syd and I tried to keep track of all the shoots we've done since our first one back in 2021 for this very series. I think we landed on 12 but we're probably wrong. our failure to unravel our years of camaraderie is far from an issue though. I love that we've been able to share special times with one another—creating and existing and partying and crying and hugging and moving and so much in our past and future life. nothing better than that.
on this day, 7/12/25, I woke up at jess's near glendale. syd wouldn't be able to shoot until after six so I decided to try to wait it out at echo park. I didn't know the lotus festival was happening when I arrived to a crowd. I took an hour to rest under shade and eat my trail mix while looking at all the strangers in the park. unfamiliar faces but we're all angelenos. I enjoy killing time. I walked around. I stopped by the celsius booth for free drinks and sat on a bench overlooking the lake.
then katrina walked by. and we talked. there was an alligator snapping turtle that fishermen had unintentionally pulled from the lake. she had mentioned how the big thing was just chilling on the grass.
later nat walked by. we caught up and walked together for a bit. picked up more celsius from the booth and I complained to them about people who don't wear deodorant. we split and I sat on a short wall by the water.
then maleah walked by. we caught up briefly on what we were up to. how gracious I was for her making me spam musubis when she came to the studio for a photoshoot with me. had her amicably calling me out for almost exclusively taking photos of femmes ( I swear I have reached out to cis men).
afterwards, syd swooped me from the lake and we drove to their place to get started.
I loved that day. I felt connected to this city. I felt so much hope, for myself, for everyone.
I downed that celsius as soon as we got inside the apartment.
I'm trying to learn how to hug. I feel uncomfortable at the idea of doing it. how long do I hold it for? what if I misaim and accidentally place my hand on a lower back, is it weird to leave it there or weirder to move it higher because now I brought attention to it? do I one hand it? two hand it? what if the person's partner is there and the potential implications especially if their partner is a little controlling?
the last time I properly hugged syd was on my birthday. I was extremely depressed, I wanted to kill myself—passively though. I wasn't gonna do it, but I wouldn't have stopped it.
I didn't tell anyone it was my birthday. syd found out during the photoshoot we were doing at the studio on the day of that it was my 27th birthday. I half-joked about joining the 27 club and they told me all I needed now was a white lighter to carry on me. they then invited me to go to this trans fundraiser club thing in hollywood. I bailed fifteen minutes in and went back to the studio, going to every fucking store nearby trying to find a white lighter because of how badly I wanted to die. I was obsessed in trying to find one, it started to rain on me, I didn't care... I needed the lighter.
I couldn't find it so I went to another friend's party nearby and tagged with them to k-town. we had a miscommunication and ended up splitting. I felt awful. I texted syd to stay at the club, that I was returning. I did return. I lasted about another five minutes before I couldn't handle how I felt anymore. I decided to call another lyft to get the hell out.
with my ride a minute a way, me plotting how I'm gonna irish goodbye—syd pulls me in and hugs me. we held it for a minute as they mentioned in my ear that they had ordered a case of white lighters off the internet just for me. my eyes started to water but my ride was outside, I couldn't cancel it now. I wanted to stay but I had to leave, for my sake.
I told syd I had to use the restroom and walked out the door.
I love syd, so so so much. I don't care what we do when we're together. I love their company. I went with them on apartment tours. I spent a day helping them spackle the drywall of their old room. I'm up for anything, including nothing as long as they're around. except rollercoasters. final destination 3 really fucked me up.
it's hard to pinpoint when you become friends with someone. was it on the day you first met, or did you have to gradually seep into each other's lives?
our first day was 10/17/2021. from then til now as I type this, 7/19/25, and beyond, it's been so wonderful. I'll cry when it ends, however it comes.
love you, syd.
