people like to talk about past lives. who we were, who we'll be. I had a nightmare I retained every single memory of my current life in my new existence as a boy from slovenia. as heartbreaking as that dream was, to remember all my dearest friends but no longer be able to embrace them, it made me happy. to wake up and still have those friends. to wake up and appreciate the life as it is now. to wake up on 03/03/24, pack my camera bag, and set on a 2-hour trip to share moments under the same sun with one brilliant, and so very angel-hearted kyla rain—that's just something to smile about for as long as this version of me is around. how blessed am I.
as I write this, I'm listening to the soundtrack of the andy warhol diaries series, composed by brad oberhofer. 5am walk home alone has just stopped playing. it was warm. nostalgic. it put me back inside kyla's room. vinyl records lined up along the top of the walls. cameras and film in various places. journals thicker than the pockets you'd put them in. clown portraits on the floor leaning against the window. I don't want to give it all away though. if you're fortunate enough to be friends with kyla, you know what it's like. you just have to be here.
before, 2021, my project was in its third year and I wanted to meet so many more people. working with trash mag and sleezehog, I became aware of other publications like luna collective, be in a band or die, unpublished, and pure nowhere—the publication kyla co-founded. I went on her profile to do some mild research when I saw it. photos of kyla, at home. I couldn't ask now. it'd been done already. the moment had passed. that's ok. I let years go by before kyla and I's presences overlapped online once again in 2023 when I asked, finally. after many postponements, 2024 was our year.
the common theme here. the one I'm noticing with each recollection is that the right moment is never the one you missed out on. some things just aren't in the cards yet—but when they are, you couldn't be more glad for the delay.
meeting people like kyla just reminds me of how grateful I am, how lucky I am. to meet such amazing individuals, creating with them. I use to romanticize this life when I was younger, scrolling tumblr while listening to indie alternative. daydreaming of everything I would eventually be doing these last few years. daydreaming of days like this one with kyla. oh if I knew what life would be like back then. it's never the best it could be—I don't care though. I'm pretty stoked with what I've got.
how do you know you've lived a full life?
there's always more.
I see all the photos and art tacked onto the walls of kyla's room. photobooth strips. polaroids. drawings. posters. ticket stubs. there's so much on there. but you still see the bare wall through the gaps. space for more photobooth strips. for more polaroids. for more drawings. for more posters. for more ticket stubs. there's so much more to put on there. but still, there'll be gaps on the wall.
you don't focus on the gaps.
kyla's life, seen through the lens of my brief social media scrolling is full of love and effort. trials to overcome and ecstasies to indulge. I see deep friendships and creative prowess the more I scroll down on her instagram. I see a graduate, first in the family. I see a #girlboss who denies the misogyny ripe in our creative scenes and world as a whole—cultivating spaces for people to accept themselves and not only reject what society expects of them but to change what society expects of itself. I see a person full of lessons learned. I see comments by people:
"you are so amazing kyla"
"in love with the way u capture the world"
"u are a starrrrr"
"i love love love you !!!"
"so proud of u"
"you look like the flashbacks i'll see of the love of my life when im about to die in these and yes its in a good way"
"u are incredible"
"these are so beautiful and you're making so many moves i am honestly lucky to exist in the same universe as you?"
"you melt my heart"
I see someone loved.
