listening to "what i like" by charli xcx as I type this. brat summer is dead btw. it was fun though.
I met tina at zay's birthday party 8/10/24. I had a shot of hennessy with the birthday boy and firmly planted myself on the recently emptied couch because this wallflower prefers to sit down. after sometime, tina entered the sphere of influence that was the sofa (I still don't know the difference between a couch and a sofa so I'm going to use the terms interchangeably forever) and we talked, we plotted, and we came together on 9/15/24 to forever include them with the best company anyone could be a part of—the people I know, photographed, by me, at home.
I love it when people laugh. the kind you have to hide your mouth for.
I forgot what obnoxious thing I said but it got a smile out of tina—the memory just reminds me all the time of why I do this archive. it's just for fun. there's no stressors of sponsors and critics, no elaborate productions, no people beyond just me and the person I'm photographing (and whatever roommates, friends, or pets there are). we are all just artistic peers, here in the same period of time growing and growing, working so damn hard to chase our creative aspirations—making progress every single day and trying to recognize that progress even during the times we can't help but ruminate and doubt the world we're building for ourselves. we see each other, we accept each other.
during the shoot I got to bitch about how stupid I was as a kid. selling my copy of pokemon silver for the gameboy color to some kid for $5 when I was probably 6 or 7 years old. or the time I had lost my pokemon ruby at the park or my platinum during a move. I cannot google what they're worth in 2024, I'd die.
you know, here's some other ridiculous moments when I was a child:
I sold a kid a school hotdog for $20
a cockroach crawled into my ear and died
I thought "horny" meant a headache so bad it felt like horns were growing out of my head and would say "aw I'm so horny"—fortunately that lasted less than four hours
in middle school, kids were drawing swastikas incorrectly and my "helpful" dumbass showed them how its done (I didn't even know what the fuck was the right way to do it—spoilers—anyway is the wrong way, don't fucking do it) and I was the only one caught red-handed and lectured sternly, rightfully so. don't do that shit
I was frustrated for whatever reason one day and was slamming my head against my desk and recall glancing up briefly to see my very pregnant principal looking at me from the doorframe in horror
one of my male teachers would flex his biceps sometimes and kinda revel a little too much in the attention from my female classmates and I never thought to say "hey that's actually kinda creepy my guy"
the past is the past though. I'm being truthful when I say that if I had the same mindset and morals as I did ten or more years ago, I'd have killed myself by now. but I'm telling you, sometimes all you need for that sudden pivot in your life is a fucking party.
that 2016 party that ariela hosted was that moment for me. without that, wouldn't have met taylor and ariela. wouldn't have kept up with junior high. wouldn't have met and become close with sara and nat. wouldn't have been given my first opportunities to shoot diy shows. wouldn't have grown. wouldn't have met bands. wouldn't have established myself in the scene. wouldn't have made consistent clientele. wouldn't have made even more friends and stretched out my name and experiences in this town I had lived my entire life in but never knew until I was 21.
that's the power of a good party.
maybe the one that tina and I met at could hold that same potential. it's not something to think about in the moment though, there's no point in thinking so far ahead on what ifs. all I care about is coming out of them with at least a friend or two. once it becomes only about networking and not human connection and empathy and party rockin' (please let's bring it back), that's the death of us all.
sometimes I try too hard not to know anyone though. I have a fear that once I know who someone is before I've had the chance to know them that the dynamic is different and I feel like I'm either always trying to prove myself to justify myself being in the same room as them—or putting myself on my own shaky pedestal thinking someone is under me and using me. It's such a toxic mindset I want to abandon. the problem with it, despite the obvious, is that I rob myself from ever allowing myself to appreciate the things they do. I have friends whose films I haven't seen, music I purposely avoid, articles I don't read... it's fucked up. how can I show my support when I'm just "too cool" to care about my friends that I love?
I try to let myself do a little internet dive on people when I go for these photoshoots to talk beyond surface level conversation. I knew tina made music from conversing at the party—I gave it a listen. I found out a week after we met that they do work for polygon and make video essays and one time lived a week as mario mario (yes that's mario's actual full name)? I didn't even know she played violin until I legitimately checked her spotify bio thirty seconds ago. turtwig is their favorite pokemon too, I was always keen on duskull and my very first pokemon I ever caught in the wild (my shiny taillow).
what else is xtina gg going to add to their already crazy lore, I will be sure to get upfront to witness the additions—side note, I'm streaming her song "addicted 2 you" and I actually really fuck with the pre-chorus. go stream. bye bye.
